To be honest, I've just been too dang tired to write for a couple weeks.

Every workday goes the same way:
6:45am - wake up
7:00am - leave for work (all I do is throw on scrubs, no energy for makeup or hair)
7:30am - clock in
12:30pm - lunch
1:00pm - back to work
7:00pm - clock out (yes, that's 11 hours)
7:30pm - get home, make dinner, shower
9:00pm - in bed

Not a lot of time to do what I want to do on days that I work.

I worked 97 hours in the last 2 weeks and even though this is what I enjoy doing, that is what pays the bills. Plus I'm looking for another job, so those were taking priority.

I have a few topics in the works, so when I get a few minutes I'll finish them! 

In the meantime, Twitter is a little easier (and faster) than a full post:

https://twitter.com/_TilYouMakeIt

Love the Life You Live

I've had someone putting me down a lot for the last couple of weeks. The most uncalled for of all the things she's said to me was that I made a huge mistake moving to the Bay Area. 

To give you a little background, my boyfriend is from the bay but we met in LA, where I'm from. Since basically the day I met him I knew he wanted to move back up here so I've known all along that I'd be moving too if the relationship worked out. It very much did work out. About 7 months into it, he told me he wanted to move. When you have somebody this good it's just not an option to let them go so I knew I'd be moving too, which was both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. 

I knew what I was giving up by moving, but I also knew what I was gaining by moving. I decided that moving outweighed staying and I've never looked back or doubted it. That's not to say it hasn't been hard. It's been incredibly hard. But also so worth it. It would've been so much harder to watch him leave without me and THAT'S what I would've regretted. I didn't want to give up the future I wanted. 

So back to now. We're still completely in love and I know I made the right choice. But it's still hard. We both had to start over from scratch at crappy, low-paying jobs but that's just how it goes. It's tough right now but I know what I'm doing and I know it'll be ok. Best of all, we have each other. 

Despite being sure of my reasons, it still REALLY sucks to have someone I work with with tell me flat out that I made a huge mistake and I'd be more successful if we had broken up and I had stayed in LA.  

I'm firm in my resolve, but hearing someone tell you how badly you messed up tends to make you think that maybe you did. Or at the very least it makes it harder to continue to believe in your decision. 

I wish I could say that it only made me more determined to do well in my life but in reality it crushed me a little bit. I've been climbing a very steep mountain, facing obstacle after obstacle, and she comes out of nowhere and lobs a boulder straight at my head. I made a really tough life decision. Everyone will have to at some point in their lives. Neither of the choices I had were ideal but what's the point of dwelling on the negative aspects of what I did choose? 

I decided to write about it here so that I could work through it and get it out of my head. Instead of being hurt by it I'm going to take it as a reminder that I took a chance. I gambled on something that was very uncertain but I went for what I wanted. I didn't let being afraid stop me. I AM PROUD OF THAT. And I'm not going to let one person's opinion - a person that doesn't even know how to correctly spell my name - determine how I feel about my life. 

I'm going to love the life I live. 

At least I've got options! 

Tiny victory at Sephora

I took a makeup class from Sephora this past weekend, entirely by myself. I'm sure this seems inconsequential to most people, but it's a big deal for me. I'm pretty certain there's a lot of people out there who know what I mean.

I don't like to do new things on my own. I'll do new things, but I prefer to have somebody else there so that if I do something that makes me look like an idiot (trying to open a locked door, going the wrong way, tripping, dropping something, the list is endless) at least I'd have somebody else there so I can laugh it off. Two people laughing looks far more normal than one person laughing alone. People tend to think you're crazy, they'll point and stare, or worse - they'll laugh AT you!

So I signed up, hopeful that maybe I'd make a new friend. I recently moved halfway across the state so I only know a couple of people here. Making friends is a really weird thing to do once you're out of school, but that's a topic for another day.

In the weeks after signing up I tried not to worry about all the little things I could make a fool out of myself by doing. The morning of, I got up early and drove to a store I've never visited at a mall I've never heard of in a city I've never been to. With no one with me but the scared-looking girl in the mirror. Not an easy thing to do.

These classes are held before the store opens, which means the mall isn't even open yet. Once I got there and saw only a smattering of cars in the parking lot I freaked.

I pictured myself getting locked out of the building, having not received some imaginary email about a possible special entrance class-takers have to use. Or getting into the mall, only to be stopped by security and to have to explain why I was there. I imagined being the only one in the class or somehow not being one of the "cool kids" like in high school - the horror!

There were a couple people milling around the parking lot so I hung back and watched to see how they got in. They all went in the employees entrance. I mentally smacked myself and told myself to get my shit together and got I out of the car before my brain knew what my body was doing. I started to walk to the door when I saw an employee hanging around outside. I freaked again and went back to the car to wait for him to leave.

I texted my boyfriend and told him I wanted to bail. He told me very plainly that no, I wasn't going to do that. And he was right, I'd regret it and be disappointed in myself if I came all that way only to leave before I took the class. I got back out of the car, determined this time.

After all of that stressing, the doors opened with no trouble. I walked right by maintenance, I don't even think they looked up. I even found the store right away in an unfamiliar floor plan. There were plenty of other people in the class, all of whom were very nice and chatty. And I had so much fun!

Why the hell was I so scared to go? Because it was new, and I was by myself. The next time I go, I'll have no problems because it won't be new anymore.

I knew that I'd be fine, but I was still afraid that I'd make myself look like an idiot. But I couldn't let that scared part of me win. Anxiety wins much more often than I'd like it to, so I had to tell it, "not today" and I had to do it because it seemed scary at first.

That's why I consider it a tiny triumph, and that's why it was a big deal.

Let's start writing!

If you love doing something, you should be able to do it for hours on end and not get bored or angry or start wishing you were doing something else. I just worked 11 hours at my regular job and I'll do it again tomorrow. My bedtime was 20 minutes ago, but I'm still up working on this. I think I've made a good decision here.

My job entails exactly 0.00% creativity. I'm a glorified paperwork-filler-outer at a radiology company. However, I studied film in college, so I've got that urge for creativity and I get great satisfaction from producing something. So this is partially to fill up that void and partially therapeutic, and to be honest, it's partially to see if I like writing as much as I used to.

Please don't judge me too harshly, I do that quite effectively myself.