I took a makeup class from Sephora this past weekend, entirely by myself. I'm sure this seems inconsequential to most people, but it's a big deal for me. I'm pretty certain there's a lot of people out there who know what I mean.
I don't like to do new things on my own. I'll do new things, but I prefer to have somebody else there so that if I do something that makes me look like an idiot (trying to open a locked door, going the wrong way, tripping, dropping something, the list is endless) at least I'd have somebody else there so I can laugh it off. Two people laughing looks far more normal than one person laughing alone. People tend to think you're crazy, they'll point and stare, or worse - they'll laugh AT you!
So I signed up, hopeful that maybe I'd make a new friend. I recently moved halfway across the state so I only know a couple of people here. Making friends is a really weird thing to do once you're out of school, but that's a topic for another day.
In the weeks after signing up I tried not to worry about all the little things I could make a fool out of myself by doing. The morning of, I got up early and drove to a store I've never visited at a mall I've never heard of in a city I've never been to. With no one with me but the scared-looking girl in the mirror. Not an easy thing to do.
These classes are held before the store opens, which means the mall isn't even open yet. Once I got there and saw only a smattering of cars in the parking lot I freaked.
I pictured myself getting locked out of the building, having not received some imaginary email about a possible special entrance class-takers have to use. Or getting into the mall, only to be stopped by security and to have to explain why I was there. I imagined being the only one in the class or somehow not being one of the "cool kids" like in high school - the horror!
There were a couple people milling around the parking lot so I hung back and watched to see how they got in. They all went in the employees entrance. I mentally smacked myself and told myself to get my shit together and got I out of the car before my brain knew what my body was doing. I started to walk to the door when I saw an employee hanging around outside. I freaked again and went back to the car to wait for him to leave.
I texted my boyfriend and told him I wanted to bail. He told me very plainly that no, I wasn't going to do that. And he was right, I'd regret it and be disappointed in myself if I came all that way only to leave before I took the class. I got back out of the car, determined this time.
After all of that stressing, the doors opened with no trouble. I walked right by maintenance, I don't even think they looked up. I even found the store right away in an unfamiliar floor plan. There were plenty of other people in the class, all of whom were very nice and chatty. And I had so much fun!
Why the hell was I so scared to go? Because it was new, and I was by myself. The next time I go, I'll have no problems because it won't be new anymore.
I knew that I'd be fine, but I was still afraid that I'd make myself look like an idiot. But I couldn't let that scared part of me win. Anxiety wins much more often than I'd like it to, so I had to tell it, "not today" and I had to do it because it seemed scary at first.
That's why I consider it a tiny triumph, and that's why it was a big deal.
